Mouth-Numbing Christmas Vodka

Illustration: Tram Nguyen

Remember that great ‘80s movie “A Christmas Story”? About a basketcase of a family trying to make it through the holiday season? I remember it vividly, not least because for a brief, confusing period of my young life, I thought it was a home video.

Don’t get the wrong idea: My family did not resemble Ralphie Parker’s in almost any way. (I obviously had disturbingly terrible facial recognition skills as a small child, because, among other things, there is no girl sibling in this movie. Look, I was not one of those kids anyone ever called precocious.) There were a few similarities, however: My mom, like the mom in the movie, had very curly hair. My dad, like the Parker dad, had some really questionable taste in furniture. And, also like the people in the film, my family found Christmas extremely stressful. It’s an expensive holiday for adults, and we kids were alternately sullen, bratty, greedy, and thrilled at the prospect of goading our parents into an argument. Which we did. As frequently as possible.

The point is, Christmas puts undue strain on even the most semi-functional families. Years later, my family is much more relaxed about Christmas. We’re not together all that often, and we generally enjoy one another’s company when we are. My siblings and I no longer feel the need to needle, provoke, and throw turkey legs at one another to get a little extra attention. There are no more blowout Christmas Eve arguments of which to speak. But there’s still one thing that makes the holiday a little bit weird. We’re all grown adults. There are no children romping around shrieking with joy about Santa and Rudolph and presents. And yet, we can’t quite bring ourselves to break the years-long traditions that have come to mark the day for us. So every year, on Christmas morning, we wake up, troop downstairs, and open presents by the Christmas tree.

We’ve talked about how this is kind of creepy. A bunch of grown-ass adults, surrounded by tinsel, exchanging gifts in the name of Jesus Christ? I dunno, man. Some family members have insisted we put an end to the gift-giving. Others have demanded someone introduce a grandchild into the equation, for the sole purpose of feeling more comfortable with these rituals. Still others (keep in mind we’re a family of five) remain rather broke and could really use those Christmas sweaters. To date, the status quo reigns. And so, this year, I’m giving out a gift that is unobjectionably adult: Vodka infused with Sichuan peppercorns.

I love Sichuan peppercorns. I love how they make your mouth tingle, the spicy, rich aroma they exude when you’re heating them over the flame. I also like the idea of making my family members’ mouths go just a little bit numb on the most stressful holiday of the year. This vodka will do just that, plus it’s deliciously smoky, “artisanal,” incredibly easy to make, and, most critically, it can be spirited upstairs for quick nips during moments of family-related frustration. Um, love you guys, see you soon!!!